Some Med on Bitterness & Eros

Draft 1, Act 1

"Some of you guys are so online that you haven't noticed it yet but.. you've become miserable, pathetic, poor spirited, anxious and overstimulated”. I’m paraphrasing a tweet I read recently. It's true. I'm not in that condition anymore, but I've been there. It's wild, now, to be able to spot others in that place and influencing from it (even when it appears helpful). It's not "being online" that's solely to blame, I think. Nah it's bigger than that. There is a human NEED to be alleviated from the bitterness felt— and we will try to alleviate it through expression, disassociation, addiction OR whatever means we have the tools for. I think it’s a spectrum of bitterness (read embittered anger, for me). We need our needs fulfilled.

I Am. They Are. I is. They is. I am. I be. We be.

Since April 2024, I've been hustling and it feels like a storm of peace. The storm is me fluctuating between anger and grinding, but without the tint of bitterness. I can genuinely say in 2020 I became embittered and in 2024 I let it go (or it let me go or it got up off me) . I don’t know, whichever. It’s not the last time I’ll feel bitterness but I think I have the tools to deal with it now. I'm thankful for that. I have been moved physically and spiritually into this condition by the amazing relationships I’ve cultivated and those that have been cut off from me in the last 4 years. Each of them did, are doing or revealed to me what I needed to get to this place. Especially dancing— body movement into the erotic. My sages who informed or guided or responded to a bodily need through their classes or readings—even if they didn’t know it—Krystal, Carmine, Carolyn, Mariah and The Holy Spirit. I'd like to attribute this shift to bodying the process of unification with myself and with eros, which is to say with God. I say or use the word God in the way of “I Am.” (the Jesus freak I am). Yes, “I am”, self determination without presumption. Majestic Pride (more on this later. I’m setting yall up). We be.

I watched this video from Amiyah and FQCrazySexyCool podcast, a fellow Louisianan and transwoman. She says

“…I think that my confidence shouldn’t stir anything up in you and if it does that’s called insecurities. I should be able to walk around and say whatever the fuck I want about MYSELF. Not in comparison to anyone…. I am amazing…”

And I am.

Eros

Being bitter isn’t wrong. It’s universal, I think, to the experience of living in an unfair reality. Behaving bitterly is questionable. Inflicting bitterness onto others (under whatever guise) is something, in my opinion isn’t healthy for either involved. I don’t know if bitterness is something that I can fully agree is “erotic”. I say that because the embittered behavior casted me further from actualizing myself. or I don’t know. I might change my mind. Ask me after I’ve mediated on it with some coffee later.

What I can say is by way of the bitterness vehicle—that bodily feeling that caused me to behave in ways that were self-damning—I started pursuing something different for myself. And for that I don’t have a value judgment on the condition of bitterness. It just—I think what comes out of it is the part I have an opinion about.

If you ask Chat GPT (AI) what eros means to the Symposium it will give you a listicle and at the end display: 

In summary, Eros in the "Symposium" is depicted as a powerful and multifaceted force that drives individuals towards physical, intellectual, and spiritual fulfillment. It encompasses a range of meanings from physical desire to the pursuit of truth and the divine.

For me, Eros—a force multiplying drive—has included et all of the above and it’s united me with me, and united me with others which is to say it’s united me with God. I am. That’s pride and I’m so happy to celebrate with and honor the folks in my life who illuminate this for me day by day with their nonconformity and queerness.

Now however all this lands for yall, it does. My intention is to externalize, honestly about what/who is exactly impacting my life, not to be offensive to your views or beliefs. Cause truly you don’t wanna battle with me when it comes to that Bible, trust me.

In love,

Ashley